More Orgies, More Babies: A Modest Proposal

While the Orthodox community continues to grow apace, and its women have an annoyingly high total fertility rate, the non-Orthodox Jewish community seems to dwindle away with every new generation. Short of massive proselytizing and conversion efforts, what can we do to reverse Jewish population decline and avoid the fate of becoming a nation of stagnation?

Luckily, help is on the way: the popular birthright israel program has had success in bringing young, horny, undersexed, North American Jews of prime childbearing age to Israel for the first time. But, while hook-ups are common on the free 10-day trip, its true potential remains untapped: not enough is being done to encourage unprotected sexual encounters. For shame! With a small investment in intentionally defective condoms and some authoritative sounding, scripturally grounded bad advice, there could soon be a bumper crop of “birthright babies.”

The solution to the Jewish population crisis should be immediately obvious to anyone with no more than a seventh grade education: to save the Jewish people, we need more babies. To maximize baby production, we need an orgy. It’s utterly simple, with but a few insignificant and nearly insurmountable difficulties.

И так далее :-)